Category Archives: Everything Else

Pasty white guys should not wear pasty white shorts. Pasty white guys in nothing but pasty white shorts should not stand on their porch with one leg hiked up on the railing. From a half block away at thirty miles … Continue reading →

I started with English: A pretty woman on the beach sold me a large green cucumber which I made into a lovely salad. Went to French: Une jolie femme sur la plage m’a vendu un grand concombre vert de que … Continue reading →

Dear TiVo, I do not want to watch old episodes of “Gomer Pyle”. I do not have any interest in “Bonanza” or “The Brady Bunch”. Yes, I like “Charmed” and I realize Shannon Doherty was also in “Little House on … Continue reading →

Today is Father’s Day. I shall sit around unshaven and in my underwear until afternoon. Just like most other days.

I was feeding my daughter at a restaurant recently and a family at another table was watching as if we were dinner theatre. My wife was eating and talking to a friend of ours. I was a part of the … Continue reading →

I’m ordering at the McD’s drive-thru and I’m saying “please” and “thank-you” to the tinny voice on the speaker. You’d think being polite made me some kind of alien. I halfway think the girl taking the orders thought I was … Continue reading →

Sleep is highly overrated. Falling asleep in front of the computer, then, is off the charts. If you thought drool on your pillow was bad, just wait until you short out your keyboard. O.h w.ell, w/ho n.ee.ddds key.s.

Even if there were more than 24 hours in a day, we’d still somehow find a way to have overtime.

There are days I don’t even want to watch TV but I’ll turn on the TiVo just to hear that funny little ba-Blip sound it makes when you push the buttons on the remote. Ever notice how when you press … Continue reading →

Today was a shared birthday party for my 1-year-old daughter Maddie and my nephew Jeffy, who’s actually 26 but we still call him Jeffy sometimes because, well, old habits are hard to break. My family is big on banking birthdays … Continue reading →

I was looking at a can of Coke and saw the picture of the old Coke bottle they put on the can – the stylish curved glass bottle with condensation glistening from it’s smooth cool surface. And I thought to … Continue reading →

I was recently shopping for new shorts this season. I wasn’t looking for anything special, just a pair of jean shorts that fall somewhere six inches longer than indecent but still above the knee. All I could find were just … Continue reading →

5.2 of today’s billable hours just paid for the new lawnmower I bought. One minute the hours-to-dollars ratio was all about electronic equipment and computer toys and then the next, yard equipment and domestic supplies. Standing in Sears, I was … Continue reading →

I had a dream about the afterlife. I was walking around what I assumed was Heaven. Everything was white and fluffy with little cloudy wisps here and there. It struck me odd – not that I was there – but … Continue reading →

Oy vey. Now if only his head bobbled up and down…

[People] want to be spoon-fed. They need “art porridge” so that they can swallow it easily, without effort. People do not understand one another, so how is it possible for them to fathom the world? —Javad Mirjavad For several nights … Continue reading →

“I live life in the margins of society. And the rules of normal society don’t apply in the margins.” —Tamara de Lempicka There’s a certain arrogance to throwing down the rule book and not playing the game like the other … Continue reading →

There is no greater sound than my daughter’s laugh. No greater sight than her smile. The look of joy in her eyes because she is with me and I’m flying her effortlessly through the living room. No screaming or mistrust. … Continue reading →

I finally saw the movie Pay It Forward on video tonight. Hollywood took a simple but powerful concept and made it work on film. You do something good for three people – not just leaving an extra 2% tip or … Continue reading →

http://www.monkeyphonecall.com/ Suddenly my dumb ideas seem brighter. buy cialis online from canada viagra money order