What Men Know About Women

The more men know about women, the more…

Wait-a-minute…

There is absolutely nothing I can follow that up with. Men don’t know anything about women. Well, okay, men – and I’m talking a small subset here – know a little bit, but we’re talking tip of the iceberg knowledge. Words don’t always mean what they are supposed to mean and answers to questions may or may not be exactly the opposite to what we’re supposed to do. Plus, it took us the entire history of mankind walking upright to learn it. In that same period of time we’ve harnessed fire (okay, with the assistance of women otherwise we would have only evolved into a race of males with no eyebrows) and managed to take ourselves all the way to the moon. Same amount of time – we still can’t navigate female emotions. Had we spent our time strictly concentrating on fire we’d have colonies on Mars right now (screwing up anniversaries and “Do you like this dress?” questions exactly the same way we always have).

There is only one group of men that can successfully navigate the world of women – and they are gay. It’s as if once they looked upon the true body of knowledge that makes up woman-kind, they were smote by the Goddess of Woman-Nature, given a good sense of fashion, and sent on their merry way.

So, fellow heterosexuals… just know that you aren’t going to ever get it right. At risk of being smote down, I offer the very little advice that I know.

(1) Listen – and I mean, really listen, not just point your eyes at hers and pat yourself on the back for not looking at her breasts.

(2) Don’t try and make sense of anything. There are reasons for things we will never understand. Think of it like religion, except way more complicated.

(3) Just keep trying. This may involve talking and it will involve chick-flicks. “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” really wasn’t that bad – plus on a small screen they can’t tell when you are just looking at Sandra Bullock’s breasts.

Good luck. I’m off to buy a moderately stylish shirt.