Great post by +Carter Gibson in honor of #ComingOutDay . I hope you guys have some time to go read. Closing comments here; please post on original.
Reshared post from +Carter Gibson
My coming out story: in the hopes to encourage confidence
Today is #ComingOutDay and I've decided to share my story here before sharing it with the +It Gets Better Project and Dan Savage. I do not want to dwell on the difficulties with my family not because I'm uncomfortable talking about it (trust me, I've done that in length haha) but because today is so much more about providing words of advice and encouragement to build confidence than to relive adversity. Sure, we'll take all of this with a heavy hand of empathy, but the value comes from the lessons learned from the pain, not the pain itself.
The facts
I have always been gay. I have never liked girls. I've known this forever even before I had a word for it. I also knew that the way I felt was wrong in some way and that I should keep it a secret. So I did. In 7th and 8th grade I told two people I thought I was gay or bi. One was a girl I dated for a year (oops) and the other was my best friend. We would email each other to work things out. I mentioned that I was gay, or that I thought I was – you get the picture.My mom is a psychologist, painter, professor, and writer. My dad is a Vietnam veteran, consultant, business owner, and Army Reserve helicopter pilot. This story takes place in southern Virginia.
At school in the 9th grade I got a call from my mom who was crying. She would pick me up that day from school. Instead my dad did and asked me if I had done anything to hurt my mom or if there's anything to tell him about. I said no. I was insanely unpopular in school (literally talking 3 friends) but I was a good student, writer, and was an awesome swimmer. On top of that I was fairly masculine. Yeah, I was all clear in my heard!
I sat in the living room for a bit before being called into the kitchen. My mom was sitting in a chair crying. There was paper spread across the kitchen table. They were all of my personal emails. I was asked to read them aloud to my mom.
I held the emails and remember a very distinct feeling: my skin was a rock solid shell and I had no insides but was extremely heavy. I guess that's what complete betrayal, dread, and an "Ah-ha! Gotcha!" moment feels like. I didn't read anything. I said, "Are you serious?" before bursting into tears and going on a walk. My dad tried to take me to military school when I got back from said walk.
To recap so far: total shock for everyone, my mom is caught between her love for my dad and me, I have no one to turn to for support, my dad thinks this the worst thing that's ever happened.
Oh yeah, and he told everyone. That happened too. Within a week I chose to come out to my school because hell, they already knew.
Dealing with my dad was incredibly difficult. He knows how to make me burst into tears immediately. He's still the only person that can do this. I want to make my parents proud and it was becoming clear that I could never, ever, ever do that now. I was, for all intents and purposes a failure until I was corrected and nothing else I was doing mattered.
So what did I do? I said fuck it. I decided to stop feeling anything all together. No more emotion. Nothing mattered emotionally. I still cared about school and having fun, but forming emotional connections to situations was over for me. If I didn't do that my life would have honestly been too hard despite living in a wealthy home with amazing parents.
I became very popular in school. I was confident now that I didn't care. Someone calls me gay? Yeah, well, I am, so what's up? It's cool to not care in high school.
Family life wasn't any better. My dad was living in DC most of the time and my mom would cry over the dishes still conflicted about how to support both me and my dad. For the record my dad and I are both very hard headed, persuasive articulate, and don't stop until we win. Poor mom.
I don't know exactly what switched, but slowly but surely my dad started to come around. He would apologize, though not always correctly, and let me talk more often. Our entire family went to therapy and by the time I was a junior in high school we were all on pretty good terms. We just kept talking through things and helped each other realize that we were more important to each other than my sexuality was.
My family and I are the closest we've ever been now and I love them with all my heart and soul.
Okay, now for the learning
Why did my dad give such a hard time?
Short answer: He loved me. Long answer: He loved me and wanted me to have the easiest, happiest life possible.At the very core of it he was trying to protect me from something he didn't understand. I didn't see that when I was younger. In fact, it NEVER crossed my mind. My dad's told me how guilty he feels and how sorry he is countless times. I know that when we fought I told him that the only hard part about being gay was how he was reacting to it. That was essentially true.
But no matter when you come out people who love you will have all sorts of reactions. If they weren't happy or upset you should be worried. But strong emotions are tied to love above all other emotions. The opposite of love isn't hate – it's ambivalence.
It wasn't a good idea to shut myself off completely
Keyword here is completely. At a certain point you have to focus on what's really important and I assure that isn't your sexuality. It's your schoolwork, your friends, your work, and the rest of the things that make anyone a dynamic person.I made a mistake by going too far and it created a struggle that continues to today a little bit. I'm SO bad at relationships haha. But in the end you can't dedicate your entire life to tying your happiness to what other people think of you. You will destroy yourself that way in the same way that I could've destroyed myself by never giving a shit ever again.
Being gay doesn't change who you are
I had a distinct option when I came out: take the easy road and convert myself to a stereotype for instant acceptance or make being gay a nonissue and focus on being Carter. I chose the latter and it was the best decision I ever made.No matter what Bravo! tells you or media or anything else, there is no "typical" gay person. You are not a typical person. Stay who you are and allow your sexuality to change you. Instead, allow it to compliment you. Now you're special! Embrace that but don't be a one trick
ponyunicorn.Reflect, reflect, reflect – and then empathize
Take stock during your process, no matter how hard it is. Start now even if you aren't out. You're only going to get anywhere if you can understand why you feel the way you do and why you're reacting to various stimuli. Guess what? It's not all going to go away no matter how hard you try. It's here to stay and you better start understanding it and yourself as soon as possible.And here's the other deal: people do things for reasons. Instead of just reacting to their actions, put yourself in their shoes and try to figure out why. Ask them questions. Communication is the key to every successful relationship.
You have resources
You are never alone. Hell, you're reading this on the internet right now. Help yourself by finding the right groups to be a part of if you need to vent or feel like no one understands you. Don't think that your tough experience is the case everywhere. Show yourself that the grass is greener on some other side somewhere.You will leave your comfort bubble
Today isn't about making anyone do anything they don't want to, but coming out will feel uncomfortable to you (probably). That doesn't mean you shouldn't. Being uncomfortable doesn't mean that something bad is about to happen, just that something important is about to happen. Don't confuse the two.These are all things I wish that I knew when I was going through my struggle and I am honored that I have an audience to share this with in the hopes that the right person will read it or share it with someone who needs it. We all have the ability to change someone's day today so let's do it.
I ask that you share an inspirational story, quote, or just a few words of encouragement with the hashtag #ComingOutDay . Let's do some good 🙂
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